Negative Self Talk: How to Turn it Around and Coach Yourself to Success

Why is it that we speak more kindly to our friends, neighbors and family than we do to ourselves? What would happen if you routinely called your best friend names like stupid, fat or boring? That person probably wouldn’t be your friend for very long.

Yet, we talk negatively to ourselves all day, most of the time without even being aware that we are doing it. Sometimes we disguise negative self talk as humor, “I was having a dumb blonde moment!”

The majority of the time, the thing we tell ourselves isn’t even true. It’s a distortion of reality, a false perception rather than fact, a harsh judgment.

Negative self talk leads to stress and lower self esteem. So, why do we do it?

Fear of Failure

Sometimes we engage in negative self-talk because we are fearful or uncomfortable. We are afraid of a new challenge or anxious about facing a difficult situation. So, we tell ourselves that we can’t do it because we aren’t good enough. We’d rather think of ourselves as inferior than risk embarrassment or failure. We let ourselves “off the hook” with negative self-talk and our anxiety is reduced.

Negative Self-Talk Impedes Your Success

Success is a direct result of your thoughts and expectations. Our thoughts are one of the few things in our lives that we control, and our thoughts influence our actions and reactions. Our negative self-talk can keep us from taking action and cause us to give up on our dreams and aspirations.

By engaging in negative self-talk, we allow ourselves to behave as victims. It’s easier and more comfortable than risking failure or facing our anxiety. But you are not a victim – you choose and create the outcome of your life through your actions. By learning to stop negative self-talk, you can free yourself to go after the things that you really want in life.

How to Stop Negative Self-Talk

Focusing your thoughts on what you want, rather than what you don’t want, is a great tool for turning around negative self-talk. As soon as you become aware of a negative thought, cut it off by thinking or saying “Stop.” Once you’ve gotten your attention, ask yourself this question:

“What do I really want?”

What is it that you are afraid of asking yourself for? Realize that your negative self-talk is just an excuse for not having what you want. Realize that you have to take responsibility for your life and the actions that will lead to your desired outcome.

Face Your Fear

Fear is a part of life. A lot of the best things in life require taking some risks. Sometimes we make mistakes and sometimes we fail, but we always learn from these events. Think of how many failed experiments have lead to great discoveries and new inventions!

Often, we imagine the consequence of risk to be far worse than it really is. Remember that you judge yourself far more harshly than others will. Try to keep this in mind when you weigh the risk of embarrassment.

Coach Yourself to Success

Once you’ve identified the underlying anxiety or unfulfilled desire that is the cause of your negative self-talk, you can start to reframe your thoughts in the positive. Think of the upside – identify the opportunity. Encourage and believe in yourself. Be kind.

Try to find something good in every situation and restate your thoughts in the positive. Instead of “I didn’t get the promotion because I’m not smart enough,” try “Since I didn’t get the promotion this time, I don’t have to work those longer hours and can use that time to take a class or learn a new skill that will help me get an even better job.”

Replace “I can’t do this!” or “This is too hard for me!” with “What is the first step in accomplishing this task?” or “How can I handle this better?” You may not have all of the answers yet, but at least you’re asking questions and opening yourself up to the possibility of success.

Affirmations can be a powerful tool in maintaining a positive mindset. However, be careful when using affirmations. Make sure that they are possible for you. Using an affirmation that your subconscious can’t believe will lead to frustration and more self doubt. For instance, no matter how many times I affirm that “I am the Queen of England,” it’s simply not true and there is no way I can make myself believe that it is true.

Use the following affirmations to change negative self-talk into positive beliefs about yourself:

• I deserve to treat myself with kindness and respect
• I am proud of all of my accomplishments
• I give myself permission to face my fears
• I recognize my many strengths

Acknowledge your fears, but don’t let them stop you from moving forward. You deserve to feel good about yourself and you deserve success!

Being Present... Right Now!

We live in a very fast-paced society. Everyone has somewhere to go and they're in a hurry. We are all in a rush to succeed, improve, surpass, achieve, acquire... always looking for the next best thing. Ironically, our overwhelming desire for improvement is one of the things that prevents us from growing.

When you are constantly thinking about the future, you are not living in the present moment - or in the "now" as we like to say. The same problem occurs if you are always thinking about the past. But, I'll leave "letting go of the past" for the next blog.

Living in the present moment, or practicing mindfulness, does not mean that you can't plan ahead or look forward to your future. It simply means that you give your full attention to what you are doing right now and take the time to enjoy and be grateful for the experience. As the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh has written, "Imagine the power of our actions if each one contained one hundred percent of our attention." Mindfulness not only serves to improve our relationships, but improves our productivity and leads to greater success in all areas of our lives.

As you read this, take a moment to be aware of the thoughts going through your mind. Are you thinking about what you're going to do tomorrow? about the dishes in the sink? about the unread emails in your in-box? These thoughts are preventing you from being present in THIS moment and giving your full attention to what you are doing right now.

Just before I sat down to write this, my little dog was begging me to play. He loves me to chase him around the house while he plays keep away with his favorite toy. As I was chasing him, I became aware of my thoughts. I was thinking that I could "only do this for a minute," and that I had to "get back to writing." I realized that I was not taking any joy in the act of playing with my dog and that by not giving my full attention to what I was doing I was cheating both of us out of the happiness of that moment.

How many times a day do we have similar experiences, particularly with our children? Sometimes it's very hard to focus on child's play when there are so many things on our minds, so many things to be done. Our inability to be present in the moment is detrimental to our relationships with our children. Children know when you aren't really paying attention to them, when your mind is on other things. They are so much more intuitive than adults. We are all born with the ability to experience happiness in the present moment, but this vital trait is suppressed as we age and become affected by the world around us.

Mindfulness is not an easy concept to understand or to master. We are a society of multi-taskers. But all of this multi-tasking has caused even greater dissatisfaction with our lives. We are busier than ever, and more unfulfilled than ever. Often, we are doing many, many things but failing to any of them really well. If we are not able to take the time to appreciate what we have right now, in this very moment, we will be perpetually dissatisfied with our lives, always seeking something better and never finding it.

So, how do you practice mindfulness? Simply recognizing the need for mindfulness is the first step. Once you are aware, you will catch yourself having those racing thoughts and remember to slow down. Try giving your full attention to every action, whether it's washing the dishes, mowing the lawn or hugging your child. Think only of what you are doing at that moment, how it feels, the sights, sounds and smells. Take time to feel the joy in the ordinary.

Have you ever seen a tea ceremony performed? Did you notice how the person pouring the tea does it slowly, always using two hands to pick up the tea pot and the cups? A tea ceremony is a practice in mindfulness. By taking time and using both hands to perform every task, the mind is focused one hundred percent on the act of having tea.

Finally, remember to breathe. It sounds simple, but we have a tendency to hold our breath for a moment during times of stress or anxiety, and breathe fast and shallow the rest of the time. Breathe deeply, with long exhales, to calm your mind and quiet racing thoughts. With control of the breath, we can control the mind.

Wishing you peace, love and happiness.

The Power of Words: Why You Should Choose Yours Carefully

Much has been written about the power of words. Although this is not a unique topic, I think it’s a very important one and something that touches each of us every day. If you allow your words to control you, instead of the other way around, you will impede your success and jeopardize your relationships.

If the average person speaks about 15,000 words per day, how many of these words are “intentional?” How many are without forethought? Our thoughts are constantly bouncing around in our brains like popcorn and it’s inevitable that some of those thoughts are going to slip out as words that are not productive and sometimes even harmful. This risk is increased when we speak out of anger or fear.

Everything you say has an effect – a consequence. As Jack Canfield put it: “What you say to others creates a ripple effect in the world.”

Your words, whether positive or negative, leave an imprint on your subconscious and the subconscious of others. This is particularly true of children. Think of some belief that you have carried with you into adulthood because of a casual comment someone made to you when you were a child.

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson

I recently talked with a group of Girl Scouts about the power of words. I asked them each to cut out a paper heart and then went around the circle and had each girl relate a story about something that had been said to hurt their feelings. After each story, I had the girls crinkle up a part of their paper heart. At the end, each of our hearts was a wadded up ball of paper. Then I asked the girls to smooth the paper, imagining as they did that the person who hurt their feelings had apologized for their words. No matter how much we smoothed the paper (apologized), there was still an imprint left on our hearts from the unkind words.

“Words are also actions, and actions are a kind of words.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you want to be successful in your relationships or in business, you need to pay more attention to your words. Choose words that reflect who you want to be. Choose words that are positive and that make others feel good about themselves. Choose words that support your goals. Choose words that will make people admire and respect you because of your honesty and integrity. Or, to put it more simply, don’t lie, exaggerate or gossip.

Some of the easiest ways to get into trouble with words are:

• Engaging in idle gossip because you can’t think of anything else to say.

When we gossip, we are judging others – usually without good cause. When you judge, you close your mind and a closed mind is not able to grow and develop. So, just remember: gossip stunts your growth!


• Blurting out words that are not helpful or positive, in anger or frustration.

Your negative energy will return negative energy to you. Anything that you say in anger or frustration will ultimately come back to hurt you in some way or another. Words said in anger damage your relationships and your reputation.


• Talking too much, instead of listening.

Knowledge is not the same thing as wisdom. Constantly talking about what you “know” does not make you a wise person. A wise person looks inward and spends most of their time with others listening.

“You don't need many words if you already know what you're talking about.” – William Stafford

There is a very simple way to remember how to use your words to benefit yourself and everyone that you come into contact with. The Buddha taught: If you know something that is not true, don’t say it. If you know something that is not helpful, don’t say it. If you know something that is both true and helpful, find the right time.

Wishing you peace and love.

Staying Positive in Difficult Times

Turn on the television, open a newspaper or your web browser and there it is - bad news. War, recession, financial crisis and stories of personal hardship. It's hard to find a news story with a happy ending. Let's face it, pessimism "sells." With all of this negativity in the world, how can you stay positive?

Since we are faced with a constant barrage of stories and images that are sad and discouraging, it's easy to become caught up in all of the negativity that's going on in the world. When this happens, you lose sight of the positive things in your own life and succumb to a state of hopelessness.

Why is it so important to stay positive? Positive thoughts and energy are essential for success in all areas of your life. Negative thoughts doom you to repeat the same self-defeating behavior over and over. Your emotions are like fuel for your thoughts and actions. Negative emotions are like putting vinegar in your gas tank - they're not taking you anywhere. But positive emotions - emotions of gratitude, love, hope, joy - can propel you forward at lightening speed.

People who maintain a positive outlook are more pleasant to be around and more compassionate toward others. This is especially important in these difficult times. If you're not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, you are more open to reaching out to help others around you.
There are several things that you can do to keep a positive energy in your life, despite what's going on the world around you.

• Do not allow yourself to be inundated with so-called news. Yes, it is important to be informed about what is going on in the world - but stick to sources that give you just the facts. Avoid sensationalized reporting that exploits your emotions.
• Remember that the more energy and attention that is given to something, the more it expands - even when it is something that no one wants. The easiest way to minimize something is to stop giving it energy and attention. Think about a tabloid celebrity. We all complain about the fact that we keep hearing about this person in the news, yet our act of reading about this person is the very thing that is perpetuating their fame (or infamy, if you prefer). The more you feed something, the bigger it grows.
• Practice gratitude every day. Every person, no matter how dire their circumstances, has something to be grateful for. Even if it's simply the fact that they're still breathing. Take some time, every day, to be grateful for the good things in your life.
• Smile. Yes, it's that simple and it's contagious.
• Don't forget that no one can "make" you feel bad - your emotions are entirely within your control. You must consent to giving someone else that power over you. If this is a challenge because you are easily affected by other people's opinions or moods, start every morning with this affirmation, "I don't let other people ruin my day."

Remember, you don't have to let anyone else's viewpoint become your reality. Nothing in this world is permanent and every day is another opportunity for the next great thing to happen to you.

© Copyright - Cathy L. McCann. All Rights Reserved Worldwide. Permission to publish on-line or in print is granted provided that the article and by-line are printed intact and reference is given to the author's website.

Spring Cleaning: Getting Rid of Worn-Out Beliefs

March 20th is the first day of Spring. It's once again time for a little Spring cleaning. This year, instead of just cleaning out your closets, why not clear out the clutter in your emotional life?

Think about all of the ideas and beliefs you hold onto that simply don't fit anymore. Some of those beliefs may have been instilled in you during childhood, carried down by your family through generations. Others may have been impressed upon you during a past relationship. Still others may be your own misconceptions about yourself, created out of fear or insecurity.

Often, long-held beliefs create an imprint on your subconscious that is so deep you continue to allow them to limit you long after they are no longer applicable to your current life -- if they ever were in the first place. These ideas and beliefs do not reflect who you are now. Hanging onto these beliefs limits your growth and impedes your success.

Make a list of your limiting beliefs. Under those, write new statements that reflect your true, current beliefs.

• I'm not smart enough
• I am capable of doing anything that I desire
• No one in my family makes a lot of money
• I give myself permission to be successful
• I'll always be overweight
• I release my excess weight and honor my body

Repeat your new beliefs daily as an affirmation and any time that you become aware of negative self-talk. It takes some time and dedication to replace old beliefs and allow the new positive beliefs to take hold in your life.

So this Spring, get rid of worn-out things and worn-out beliefs. Most importantly, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!